I have thought and I have fought the thought. By this time in the journey of finding myself, I have come to understand that denial germinates from acceptance in some way or the other. And in a world that happens to be resting on such contradictions, it isnt too surprising.
At this stage of my pilgrimage, I have perhaps, come to a standstill and the world around me is moving. It sways backwards and forward but seldom stays in the present. It takes unknown directions which are beyond this world. The three parts of my identity- female, Hindu, Indian- have broken down a million times and put back together a million times.
Until I took a conscious decision to meet the unconscious, I found the buried treasure of lost memories and broken dreams, a few drops of tears and the echoing laughter. I found the warm snow and the cold sunshine and this is what my work is made up of now. The unheard stories of memories that were made and never made are woven in my pattern work. I have tirelessly tied every aspect of my broken world together through and in my artworks.
There is a sense of being present and absent from the self in the same moments. This attachment and detachment are making me see things in a way I have never seen before and things that I didn’t know where there. Every artwork is the culmination of the dialogues between space and time; the past, the present and the future.
Rwyf wedi meddwl ac wedi brwydro’r meddwl. Erbyn y pwynt hwn ar y daith o ddod o hyd i fi fy hun, rwyf wedi dod i ddeall bod gwadu yn deillio o dderbyn mewn rhyw ffordd neu’r llall. Ac mewn byd sy’n llawn gwrthddywediadau o’r fath, nid yw hyn yn syndod.
Ar y cam hwn o’m taith, efallai fy mod ar stop a bod y byd yn symud o’m cwmpas. Mae’n symud yn ôl ac ymlaen ond anaml y bydd yn aros yn y presennol. Mae’n dilyn cyfeiriadau anhysbys sydd y tu hwnt i’r byd hwn. Mae tair rhan fy hunaniaeth – benywaidd, Hindw, Indiaidd – wedi cael eu rhannu filiwn o weithiau a’u rhoi yn ôl at ei gilydd filiwn o weithiau.
Nes i mi wneud penderfyniad ymwybodol i gwrdd â’r anymwybod, deuais o hyd i drysor cudd o atgofion coll a breuddwydion heb eu gwireddu, ychydig o ddagrau a chwerthin atseiniol. Deuais o hyd i’r eira cynnes a’r heulwen oer a dyna beth yw cynnwys fy ngwaith ar hyn o bryd. Mae’r straeon sydd heb eu clywed o’r atgofion sy’n bodoli ac nad ydynt yn bodoli wedi’u plethu yn fy ngwaith patrwm. Rwyf wedi mynd ati’n ddiflino i glymu pob agwedd ar fy myd toredig ynghyd drwy fy ngwaith celf ac ynddo.
Mae ymdeimlad o fod yn bresennol ac yn absennol o’r hunan yn yr un munudau hyn. Mae’r cysylltiad a’r datgysylltiad hwn yn gwneud i mi weld pethau mewn ffordd newydd a gweld pethau nad oeddwn i’n gwybod eu bod yno. Pen draw y deialogau rhwng gofod ac amser yw pob darn o waith celf; y gorffennol, y presennol a’r dyfodol.